(Side) Effects of the Chennai English

You listen to Chennai-waasis (especially the youth of Chennai) speak English and you will invariably find at least one of the following three, if not all, in what is spoken:

  • Sentence starts with the word “Man”
  • Sentence ends with the word “no” or “right” (In fact “right” is common to people from other parts of the country too)
  • Use of “I can’t able to”

Now that I am a Chennai-waasi myself, the words “Man” and “no” have started finding their place regularly in what I speak.

Here is what happened yesterday in the coffee shop at my office. One of my colleagues went and gave the following order: “1 Tea. No sugar. 1 Coffee”. Here is what the guy at the counter understood: “1 Tea No . Sugar. 1 Coffee”. It wouldn’t be a surprise to know that my colleague got tea with sugar in it while what he wanted was tea without sugar. The word “no” was just redundant.

Lesson learnt: If one wants to use the word “no”, he/she must treat it like an “escape character”. An ideal way to place the order would probably have been the following: “Man. 1 Tea no. No Sugar no. 1 Coffee no. You got it right no“.

The King of Kollywood?

Move over Mithun da. Move over Balayya. Move over Captain Vijaykanth. Make way for one of the greatest stars of World Cinema. He is none other than our very own “Veerasamy” T. Rajender. Ages back when heroes were still learning how to fight, our man was delivering some awesome throat punches and hard-hitting dialogues that would make villians pee in their pants. Don’t believe this? Read this dialogue for instance: “Machi aalu paatha erumbu aattum thaan iruppen, adichaa irumbu aattum irukkum (roughly translated in Hindi: Aadmi dekhne mein toh cheenti ki tarah lagta hoon par jab maarta hoon toh lohe ki tarah lagta hai)”.  Or for an even better experience of his magic, take a look at this cult clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8alfZRm04zY&eurl=

The dance symbolizing the victory of good over evil, the punches, the dialogues …. all are classic stuff that will be watched for a long time by heroes of the present and the future in the hope that they might be able to pick up a trick or two.

He has given so much to the industry, the sum total of which is beyond our comprehension. For instance, he gave Kollywood one of the most graceful heroines ever in the form of Mumtaz and he is once again trying to resurrect her from the downturn by giving her a chance to act with him in his latest movie Veerasamy.

Watching a TR movie is not entertainment; its an experience in itself. Can’t wait to watch him recreate his magic in Veerasamy !!

Here are some snaps of our superhero for your viewing pleasure:

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 The complete man (Raymonds) – received this from an ardent fan of his through email today

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Who said only Mallya’s staff can dress (in red) to kill 😉

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Tha damsel is thanking her stars and wondering how fortunate she is !!!

Captain is back

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The wait is over for captain fans. Captain is back with his latest movie “Perarasu”. Was reading about the movie in The Hindu’s Friday review ….. here are some very important points made by the person who wrote the article:

  • About Captain and his sibling in the movie: “One believes in the Law and the other in Justice (which need not always be the same)” … wow …. what a funda ….what a great one !!!! … and here is some more information … “Ambiguities there are — there’s no concrete difference between the twin heroes in body language or action. One tucks in his shirt the other doesn’t, and that’s about it. And stating that the only way to know one from the other is through a confidential mobile phone number is rather ridiculous!!!”
  • “Vijayakant looks comparitively trim and makes a solid impression”
  • “The costume designer has to be complimented for garbing the hero in sober outfits that become a high-ranking police official” …….. no grudges but I think this writer or the person who edited this article needs to at least clear a few GMAT sentence correction tests

Balayya – The God of Cinema

I had posted 2 links of one of the greatest heroes of all times “Balayya” a few days back. Ever since getting introduced to his clips available on the net, one of my colleagues at office has become so enchanted with them that he has almost gone through every clip of his available on the net. Here are two clips that would probably be rated by many including me and my colleague as two of his best ever …… you just shouldn’t miss these two ….. again please do remember … though it is not important to know the language (I for one don’t) because Balayya portrays emotions so beautifully (remember the moustache effect) 😉 , yet the real effect comes out only when you watch the clips at high volume. Also allow the clips to stream in once fully and then watch them over and over:

1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMJ_y936XoU
2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NskkXnyRdQY


Balayya ….. thou art the greatest …… you have succeeded in surpassing even the greatest of all greats Mithun da and Captain Vijaykanth.

If you also want some entertainment from Hollywood, watch this version of matrix with the fart ‘n’ fight sequences: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZpRj9EBzyE

For your viewing pleasure

Here is one of the greatest (?) heroes of Indian cinema, putting to shame all the Supermans, Spidermans, James Bonds and Tom Cruises of the world, just for your viewing pleasure ….. believe me … you don’t need to understand the language (I don’t understand it anyway) to appreciate this stuff. Just follow the links below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A23CWRltQuw 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxgoF5M0JHk&mode=related&search=

I am sure after watching these two classics you will be more than tempted to try out the other links available there.

Vision 2020

A few weeks back, Pratik, a batchmate of mine from ISB had written about where he thought a few guys from the batch would be 20 years from now. Here is my take on what a few guys would probably end up doing in 2020:

Alok: Owner of a video game shop laid out in a space equivalent to that occupied by a standard ICICI ATM, in one of the galis of Lucknow. One of the consoles there (or maybe the only console there) would be dedicated to Alok and he would be happily spending hours and days and months playing all kinds of (video) games.

Anoop: Still an Univeral consultant, he would be known more for his achievements as the (non-playing?) captain of his gali’s cricket team of 10-year olds in Mumbai.

ATA – Baba ATA: the world famous gay, spiritual guru with followers belonging to all religions in almost all parts of the world. Giks would be his events manager and would assist him in preparing those spiritual PPTs with the NxN matrices made by SK and Ferrari.

Bharani a.k.a Big B: Owner of http://www.bigBbloGjobs.com, the craze among the youth of the country (to create their blogs on and to get career counseling). Big B’s way2top would have got so many hits by then that all the counters in the world would have got tired of counting.

Dood: Professor of English at DSCS i.e. Dood School of Courtship Studies … would be teaching all those teens who didn’t get convent education on how to woo their girl/boyfriends using the power of the English language.

Ferrari & SK: Will own the famous “Pfaffers Den” in Besant Nagar, Chennai famous for its PPTs for B-School students and corporates with the patented “NxN matrices for everything” formula. Ferrari would also own a cycle repair shop in fond memory of the days spent at one of India’s well known motor companies.

Honda Raam (this is not me): would have set up a chain of shops that rents out musical instruments to struggling musicians with the headquarters in Dindigul, Tamil Nadu.

KP would be the well-known producer and no. 1 distributor of z-grade movies. He would also be the no. 1 consumer of Britannia Cheese spreads which Britannia would still be producing in 2020 because of its single customer (but huge) market.

KR would have already retired from his job and would spend his day reading newspapers and watching plays and attending concerts in Mylapore, Chennai.

Rajani (NBT): Celebrated author of the international bestseller – “How to Make Spelling Mistakes while Speaking”. The book would have required about 80 proof-readers to get rid of spelling mistakes in the text.

Ramki: would be the proud owner of a movie hall in Chennai that screens only Priyanka Chopra films and serials (that she would do when she gets older). He would spend most of his time eating popcorn and drooling over Priyanka.

Sallu: Still the universal brother … will get countless number of rakhis tied to his arms and what not on rakshabandhan day…. will be consulted by old aunts and uncles on how to keep their spouses happy and keep their marriages intact.

Talu would be the no. 1 customer of his own liquor shop in Mumbai. He would be meeting his and his shop’s expenses from his daily transactions on the stock market.

Vikram, the “Clickie”: Developing camera rolls in “Clickie Studios” in Adyar, Chennai. Most of his time would be occupied with shooting and delivering passport size snaps of his customers.

Dunkee and I: RJs, cracking and laughing at their own PJs in one of the FM radio stations. This would be the channel most heard by all those people who are frustrated with life and consider (before hearing the program) that there is no worser state to be in than they are currently, just to realize after hearing those PJs that there are two more junkies in the world living in deeper shit than they are. I would also be working part-time as a drummer in a band …. no .. no … not the band that you are thinking of ….. in one of the Asha or Amar Bands of the world that play moojik during the baraat in the north Indian marriages. Dunkee would be the owner of a huge swimming pool where he would dunk himself at midnight almost everyday, that too multiple times, in fond memory of those good old days, or should I say nights, spent in ISB’s swimming pool.

B-School job interview

Here is a humorous take on a B-School job interview (adapted from mails I received on job interviews):

1. Why did you apply for this job?
A. I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for our company?
A. I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don’t have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
A. You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if xyz …. happened?
A. Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation…

5. What is your biggest strength?
A. Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of that company

6.What is your biggest weakness?
A. Girls

7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
A. Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so joined the MBA program here.

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
A. Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to do an MBA and change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9. You mean you didn’t do any assignments?
A. I certainly did lots of them in my B-school.

10. Do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?
A. Well, I have had three of my essays published in ABCDEFGH magazine

11. Certainly impressive, but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.
A. Oh, that was during office hours

12. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
A. Biggest challenge is answering the question “why are you looking for a career shift now” and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

13. How would your previous boss describe you?
A. A person with a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on

14. Why did you leave your last job?
A. For the same reason why you left your earlier job

15. But you seem to have worked in so many companies before your MBA in a short span of time.
A. Please don’t mistake my 6 pre-MBA jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.

16. What do you want from this job?
A. No work should be given but keep giving good hikes

17. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
A. Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

18. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
A. Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I’ve gone through your website

19. We are planning to pay you XYZ salary which a entry level B-School graduate usually gets. What is your reaction?
A. What?

20. Then what is the salary expected and how do justify that?
A. Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 60% extra than what I was getting prior to my MBA and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

21. What? Are you kidding?
A. Who started it?

Kyun kiya tumne aisa .. kyun

Thats what the world seemed to ask Zizou after the head-butting. Zidane may have said “Is kyun ka jawaab nahi hai mere paas” but here is a take on might have led him into doing that when the whole world was watching.

Matterazi pulls Zidane’s shirt, suddenly smells something and asks: “Zizou tum bhi ….. yeh duniya mein sab log chlormint kyun khaate hain?”
The head-butting happens …
Zidane heard muttering to the fallen Matterazi: “Dobara mat poochna”

Captain – thou art the greatest

He can defy laws of physics, give shock to electricity itself, lend bouyancy to sunglasses, stop bullets in their path, show how primitive man could have lit up fire without even using stones, make goons fly with a simple touch to his moustache and do data entry work in windows media player. Did I hear you say what about saving the damsels in distress? Nay .. thats too human a task – one that even Shah Rukh Khan can do. There are greater things in life to be taken care of. Meet the greatest of the superheroes, the man who has saved the world from satan many times, the man because of whom thousands can live without fear of the evil – our very own Captain (to be pronounced as gabtun) Vijaykanth.

What superman, spiderman, batman and all can do is nothing but a tiny subset of what Captain can. In fact, the latest kid on the tarmac, Tom Cruise, has borrowed scenes from old movies of our very own Captain. What is Superman? S? Our Captain, as aptly put by one of my colleagues here, is SSS – Statistics, Sentiment and Slap. When Satan personified stands in front of him, Captain starts his rehabilitation by educating him on some very relevant statistics that would put successful sales and marketing people in the world’s best known FMCG companies to shame (recall the number of villages in India, number of households stuff …..). Then starts a round of sentimental dialogues that would even melt rocks. The final part of the treatment is a slap that can result in one of many things, to know more about which you will have to watch one of Captain’s movies.

Wondering who is this really famous personality about whom you have not heard much and does anybody care about him? Read this … when Brian Lara, captain of West Indian cricket team came to India sometime back, he went to watch the shooting of one of Captain’s movies. This link has more info about this, though in tamil. Captain being a really accomodative person, welcomed him with open arms and took him on a tour of the studios. And then there is this friend of mine from Rajasthan, who has recently become a devout fan of Captain. He scouts TV channels every evening in search of darshan of the great man, much to his wife’s annoyance due to inability to watch the Kkkkk serials and her ignorance of the issues plaguing the world that are being solved by the captain.

I know what you are thinking next … what is an Indian hero without punchlines? Can Captain lag behind here? After all he is a superhero. So here are some of those great ones in the history of world cinema attributed to Captain (though many of these lines loose their punch when translated to English, I have still tried to do the same in the interest of the masses):

* currentukku 3 phase… indha narasimmavukku 1000 face (current has only 3 phases but this Narasimha has 1000 faces)

* enakku sock kudhuttha currentukke sock adikum (If you try to give me an electric shock, current itself will get the shock …. BTW, spell shock as sock for the exact effect)

* Captain, after looking at a scanned photograph – konjam joom pannunga (joom it a little bit … we mortals would say it as “zoom it a little bit”)

* dai indha nattula amaidiya irrukka idam library angaiyum unga velai arambichitungila (the place for people to live in peace in this country is library and you have started creating trouble there too?)

* puyal adichi pozhachavan irukkan aana thavasi adichi illa (there are people who have been saved from lashing storms, but there is no one who has been saved after getting beaten by Thavasi ….. Thavasi is captain’s name in the movie)

* tamil la ennakku pidikkaatha ore vaarthai “mannippu” (the only word I dislike in Tamil is pardon)

* unna kolrathu enaku kashtamilla, aana athula enakku ishtamilla (“killing you is not difficult for me, but it is not to my liking” … shit … I destroyed the essence)

* yaei nee ennai gandhi-ya matharadhum netaji-ya mathradhum unn kaila dhaan irrukku (its all in your hands – I can change into a Gandhi or into a Netaji)

* we will meet, will meet, meet

There are many many more, most of which have to be heard from the mouth of Captain to get the effect. So I would leave you to enjoy the same through the countless Captain movies. Meanwhile, you can access this link which has a few of Captain’s clips for your viewing pleasure:

Situation under water

Here are two of the many snaps I got through email depicting Mumbai during the rains every year:

Paani paani re … car-mein paani .. sorry paani mein car reChaahe duniya doob rahi ho .. hum hain (saas-bahu) serial ke diwaane
Don’t know how authentic the second picture is but balcony mein khade bechare pati dev ki haalat pe zaroor gaur farmaana

Cricket humor

Some light moments from the game Indians are mad about ….. don’t know whether these actually happened, but thought these are worth sharing:

1) Boycott was facing a torrid over from Micheal Holding . After playing his first 5 deliveries somehow, he got out bowled the last ball. When Boycott entered the dressing room, one of his teammates remarked something about the supposedly best test opener of his times.

Pat came Boycott’s reply: “If it wasn’t for Boycott, England would have been 0/6 by the end of that over”.

2) “Man, it don’t matter where you come in to bat, the score is still zero.” -Viv Richards to Sunil Gavaskar at Madras 1983.

Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at no 4 for that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at 0/2. And he thought there would be less pressure!

3) Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb outswinger, and Thomas said “It’s red, round and weighs about 5 ? ounces.”

Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for a 6 and replies, “Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it ! !”

4) Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row’s legs. Fred doesn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly – “I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred”.
The reply is classic Trueman, “Not you son, Your mother should’ve ! ! ”

5) Then there’s this wicketkeeper who quietly asked the new batsman: “So how’s your wife, and my kids ? ?” Guess who………Rod Marsh….to Ian Botham!!

6) New Zealand vs South Africa: Daryll Cullinan was batting, attempting a comeback from a complete bamboozling from Warne in earlier games. Cullinan played the first ball from Chris Harris very carefully back down the pitch, and keeper Parore yelled out “Well bowled Warnie !!”

7) Australia fighting for a win nearing the end of a Test Match, Fred Trueman at the crease. The Aus captain has plenty of close in fielders, whose shadows fall on the wicket. Fredie finds this objectionable. ‘Ere, if you lads don’t back off, I’ll appeal for bad light !!”

8) (Incident described in “From the Pavilion End” by Harold “Dickie” Bird)
“Bomber” Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one couldn’t bat any lower. Of him, they used to paraphrase Compton’s famous words describing an equally inept runner; “When he shouts ‘YES’ for a run, it is merely the basis for further negotiations!”

Incidentally, Compton was no better. John Warr said, of Compton “He was the only person who would call you for a run and wish you luck at the same time.” Anyway, when Wells played for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10.

During a county match, horror of horrors…….both got injured. Both opted for runners when it was their turn to bat. Bomber played a ball on the off, called for a run, forgot he had a runner and ran himself. Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone decided that a second run was on. Now we had all four running. Due to the confusion and constant shouts of “YES” “NO”, eventually, all of them ran to the same end.

Note: At this point in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor laughing their behinds out.

One of the fielders – brave lad – stops laughing for a minute, picks the ball and throws down the wicket at the other end.

Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at the four and calmly informs them “One of you buggers is out. I don’t know which. You decide and inform the bloody scorers !”